FEAR. We all have it. Some of us are terrified of spiders, snakes, heights…the list goes on and on! I, for one, am absolutely terrified of skunks, squirrels, and spiders.
I have always been afraid of spiders and even skunks. As for squirrels, when i was much younger, i was playing in a park and i spotted a cute squirrel nearby. I walked over and it let me get pretty close before scampering off a little ways. I walked towards it again and this time i got even closer. After managing to get within a few feet of it, i decided to run home and grab my handy-dandy butterfly net in order to catch this adorable little creature! I got back to the park, crept up to the unsuspecting squirrel, and quickly dropped the net on top of him! Unfortunately, this made him mad. I’m not talking a little upset, i mean this squirrel was foaming at the mouth, arms and legs flailing in all directions, squealing at the top of his lungs, MAD. Being your average seven year old little girl, i ran home and got my daddy to go release the crazy animal i had captured. Ever since then i do my best to keep my distance from any squirrel!
However, this post is not supposed to be about those little fears. I want to talk about bigger fears that we all deal with: rejection, failure, betrayal, loss. Today i want to share my own story. My biggest fear throughout my life has been the fear of rejection.
It started when i was a young girl. From the day i was born, my best friend (we’ll call her Erica) lived one block away from me. We went to the same church, same school, same youth group. We were basically inseparable. However, as we entered middle school i noticed that things had changed. I couldn’t automatically count on her to be my partner in class. She was getting too busy to want to hang out every day after school. By the sixth grade it was clear that she had a new best friend and a new group. We still talked and she still asked me to hang out with them. But we had drifted apart. All throughout middle school i remained on the edge of their group; i resolved several times that i would just break free and go find a group that i really fit in with. However, every time i was about to leave, Erica and her new best friend would have a fight and she would come back to me…she would cry and apologize for ever ditching me…and i would always be there for her.
High school came. I decided that was it. I was done with just being there when she wanted me to be. I had may be two actual conversations with her out of our four years in high school. Two of those years our assigned lockers were right next to each other. I was a bit of a loner during high school. I got along with most people, and as far as i know they all liked me. But i didn’t have a close group of friends. I floated from group to group; hanging out with the jocks one day, the hicks the next, the artsy group another day. I was scared of getting too close because i didn’t want to be rejected again.
I focused on making lots of casual friends – that way i could still fulfill my need for people as an extrovert but i didn’t actually have to get too close to anyone. High school ended and while i knew i would miss it i was excited to move on with my life. I went away for college and it was incredible to be in a school where not a single person knew me.
I decided that i wanted to start over. I wanted a close group of friends that i would always be able to count on. I was going to leave my fear behind and go full speed ahead. No worries. By my junior year i thought i was doing really well. I have about 5 really close friends that i know i can count on for anything – we were all in orientation together and our friendship has just grown since then.
But i’m still scared.
A few months ago i was talking with one of my guy friends (Ryan). Another acquaintance was there and we were talking about how guys should talk about their feelings more and not bottle things up. Claire asked me if i bottle things up…well before i could even think about it Ryan exclaimed, “Yeah she does!” We’ve been friends for about three years now so he knows me. That made me start thinking and i realized that i do bottle things up. I don’t talk about my feelings. Ever. I’m pretty transparent so if something is wrong my friends will know that there is something going on, but i just can’t talk about how i’m feeling.
I have become so used to keeping things to myself that i physically cannot talk seriously about my feelings. There have been times when something is bothering me but i refuse to tell anyone because i am so terrified that they will change how they think of me. That they will decide they no longer want to be friends and just turn me away.
I know i am not the only one who feels this way and i just need to tell you guys that THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
It will not be easy to change. I have been trying to open up in the last couple of months and it’s hard. There will be times when something is bothering me, a friend is intentionally asking what it is, i decide i want to tell them, but then i open my mouth and the words won’t come out.
We as humans were not meant to go through life on our own. When God first created Adam, He said, “It is not good for man to be alone!” We crave companionship and someone to share our lives with. It might be hard, but life is so much better when we have somebody to share the struggles with as well as the joy filled moments.
My advice: find somebody you trust. This could be a friend, mentor, parent, or sibling. Make a conscious decision to open up to them. Don’t just tell them what is going on in your life – let them know how you feel about what is happening in your life. Don’t be afraid to be honest with them. Life is hard enough the way it is – SHARE THE BURDEN.
The Golden Age is Before Us 